Sometimes, the Universe Listens

Seriously?

Part of becoming ferociously single is the grieving piece that occurs just prior. Among the things that crossed my mind when my ex and I broke off a 3 year relationship in December was "Who am I gonna go backpacking with?" One of the dearest things Outdoor Guy and I shared together was our experiences in the woods. He taught me how to backpack, and I learned to love it (okay, okay, there were a couple of tantrums in the process, but eventually it grew on me...) So the thought of not having that kind of retreat this summer was a loss on top of a loss. We all have them.

I began to daydream about a trip of all females, braving the outdoors together in one fierce & independent vagina celebration. But who would these females be in reality? Would I have to sink as low as to pay REI to go on a trip with women? And would they be those odd hippie I'm-not-shaving- my-armpits-or-wearing-deodorant-or-both types? We all know 'em. The truth is, it's hard to find females who backpack, and, as independent as I am, it simply isn't safe to go alone.

Leave it to the universe (or God, whatever you believe in). I was thrilled when a classmate posted a comment on Facebook asking for "adventurous ladies" who were interested in a pack trip. I immediately responded, and she gave me a call. The call began like this:

The Green Lady: "So let me tell you about this trip..."

silence

Volleymeg: "Um, okay..."

She proceeds to tell me that the trip will be in Yosemite, but we will be travelling via horseback over a 12,000 ft pass. The ride will take 7 hours, and we will be trailed by mules carrying up to 300 lbs of equipment.We will camp in Yosemite alone, a group of 4 women, for 3 nights, and then ride back out. Oh yeah, and there's a 99.9% chance that we will encounter a "non aggressive bear."

My response?

a small amount of pee runs down my leg

Volleymeg: "When do we leave?"

I will be taking items given to me by Outdoor Guy on the trip, including: a backpack, a headlamp, and a Navy Seal knife ( = super romantic Christmas gift that doubles as a bear slayer). While we are no longer together, one of the best things about our relationship will certainly live on for years to come...

Hoping to catch some fish here

How Racism Broke the Ice

Who would have thought good old fashioned racism could break the first date ice?

I'm thinking Cupid has finally decided to be good to me. I'm on a promising first date with an intelligent, attractive sports psychologist who happens to be of African American descent (I specify this only because it is important in the context of this story). We have a lovely lunch and decide to walk Lake Merritt.

As we begin walking toward the lake, a dishevelled man begins to keep pace alongside us. There's a quick exchange between him and my date (I didn't catch it in the moment, but later learned that he asked my date for money, and the psychologist politely declined). The man begins to mumble under his breath. We continue walking and conversing, paying little attention to this somewhat common occurence in the city life.

My ears perk when the first clear statement I decode from the man is "white bitch." Being as there are no other people in a 2 mile radious, I determine that he is referring to me. Then I hear him address my date with "Go ahead ni**a, marry this white bitch....modern day slavery, ni**a," and other more sexually explicit comments (I'll spare your virginous ears here). We continue to try to employ our behavioral strategy of ignoring the man and continuing our conversation, but at some point his comments become so vulgar that all we can do is continue to walk in silence, hoping he goes away.

He eventually floats across the street, and the psychologist and I are left to sit in our silence. If this isn't going to break the ice, I'm not sure what will...After some brief decompressing we continue on with our date, and eventually we even make light of the situation. I make a debatably more awkward comment: "We should ask him to officiate the wedding..."

*crickets, crickets*

and the psychologist jokingly names the man Ricky the Racist.

In the end I feel like saying Thank you, dishevelled man. It's not like I wanted to know his favorite music or color- let's just cut to the important stuff. I mean, if we weren't gonna talk racism on the first date, it sure as hell wouldn't have come up any time in our future...

This is the story of how racism broke the first date ice. Or technically, how Ricky the Racist did. Whew! So glad it's out of the way.

Thanks, Ricky!

Who Says You Can't Explore Solo?

This morning, I woke up super excited to see an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile. When she cancelled due to illness, I could have moped. Instead, I looked out my window at the beautiful day outside and decided to break in my new hiking boots. But who to hike with? I'm generally not a fan of the woods alone; my snake phobia usually hinders my motivation for solo exploration. However, today I was feeling brave. And also curious.

I had heard of Temescal Regional Recreation Park from a friend, and decided there was no better day to explore. After taking a small detour due to my uncanny sense of indirection, I arrived at the park only to become quickly pleased with its beauty. There was everything I love in this world in one place: hiking, swimming, fishing, sunshine, children, volleyball, and ice cream. This was my playground.

I hiked by myself (sans snakes, thankfully), and then I sat on the beach and sunbathed by myself. And I couldn't have been happier. In fact, had my friend not cancelled I would never have discovered this awesome park (well, maybe I would have, but it wouldn't have been as nice a day as this). Sometimes the universe has something different in store for your plans.

For more on Lake Temescal, see below:

http://www.ebparks.org/parks/temescal

View from the beach

View from the trail

Cupid Suitor #1: The Lawyer

Many of us in the Psychology field exercise precaution when it comes to dealing with lawyers, so naturally I was a bit skeptical when one messaged me on Cupid. He said something witty and demonstrated that he had actually read my profile though, which was a step up from the rest. I decided to give him a shot.

He passed the first date screening process with little concern other than his shirt, which was tucked into his belted jeans in a somewhat boyish manner. He was a nice guy, I cut him some slack.

Things quickly turned sour when, 10 minutes in to our second date he made the comment "Anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps in this country." Le sigh. I am on a date with this white guy. It's not his fault that he is with a Sociologist/ Psychologist/Social Justice Believer. I've done some reading in this area. But it IS his fault that, after many years of education, he can still make a comment like that. Believing in bootstraps is kinda like believing in the Tooth Fairy; acceptable to a certain point, and then it's time to stop believing in everything the adults (or in this case, the history books) say.

I have a quick conversation with myself, debating whether I want to go there or just continue with this guy for the next 2 hours knowing I won't be seeing him again. I decide to do the responsible thing and talk to him, white on white. He receives my challenge, and we have a productive conversation about the many examples of institutional racism that prevent people from being able to "pull themselves up."

Needless to say, the lawyer wasn't my soul mate, but at least we were able to have a difficult conversation productively, and hopefully he will never make that comment again.

Houston, We Have a Problem

Following the development of my online dating protocol, I began to marvel at some of the failed messages I received from cyber courters. Here's my top fifteen list of reasons I will not respond to your first attempt at messaging me:

Top Fifteen Reasons Volleymeg Does NOT Respond to OkCupid Messages:

1. Your profile includes a shirtless photo taken in the mirror of a public restroom   ...What are you doing with your shirt off at McDonalds?!?
2. Your cyber name is “Neck Romancer” or “The Choke Artist”...These people exist in reality.
3. I didn’t respond to your first email ...It’s kinda like playing roullette: If you didn’t get lucky the first time, you shouldn’t keep playing.
4. You simply ‘wink’ at me ...Winking is the sign of a child molester in real life, why would you think this was acceptable in the cyber world?
5. Under “Top 6 things you can’t live without,” you list your mother ...Now, I know some women might find this endearing. These girls will grow up to be cat ladies.
6. You ask if I read Calvin & Hobbes ...In fact, I do. I also watch Sunday morning cartoons and sleep with a pacifier.
7. You openly state that you are scared of Oakland ...I will openly state that I am scared of ignorant white people.
8. You refer to me as ‘baby’ or ‘gorgeous’ in the first sentence of your message ...Baby,’ really? My last husband didn’t even call me that.
9. Your ‘self summary’ exceeds 1,000 characters ...The DSM TR 4 cites the following criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions); Requires excessive admiration.
10. Your opening sentence mentions your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/ husband  ...If I wanted a part of this, I would have joined a Swingers club or converted to Mormonism.
11. Your profile lists that you are interested in “casual sex” ...My profile does not list that I am interested in STDs, does it?
12. You tell me that the last online girl was The One (she just didn’t know it), but you only dated for a month ...Annnnd that’s probably why she’s no longer around….
13. You ask me for my facebook/phone number/home address in your first message ...If I wanted a stalker, I would release the restraining order on my ex.
14. You don't ask my name before asking me to dinner ...There’s this thing called ‘rape,’ you may have heard of it?
15. Your main profile picture includes a large machete ...This wouldn't be charming in a bar, a grocery store, or a speed dating social. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?

I WILL respond to your email if you would like to pay me to conduct the overhaul of your profile so that women or men might actually start responding to you.

Stupid Cupid: A Guide to Online Dating

So I recently became single for the first time in 5 years, and in one of those fuck-you-I’m-gonna-cut-off-all-my-hair-now moves, I decided to relocate to the East Bay. Since the break up my friends have been campaigning for me to try online dating, claiming that it isn’t just for cat ladies and serial killers. So, being an open-minded person, I (apprehensively) decided to try it. 

Here's what I learned: there are some fucking weirdos out there. However, among the sea of weirdos are a few precious gems- you just have to know how to locate them. It took me a while to learn to navigate the choppy waters of OkCupid, but over time I have become pleased with the accuracy of the protocol I developed (see below).

Having a Sociology background made the experience all the more fascinating. Dating online challenges the social norms that come with meeting someone in an authentic way; suddenly, one has to learn to "feel someone out" over the internet. How odd is that? Some initial questions I had were: How many messages should one exchange with a cyber stranger before initiating the first date? At what point does one give her number to an online pursuer? What if the date goes really, really poorly? How do I avoid stalkers?

I developed a protocol to answer my questions. By now I've had time to test it and can happily say it seems to eliminate at least the bulk of serial killers from the gene pool. So for those of you just starting out, here is my gift to you:

Volleymeg's Online Dating Protocol:

1) Learn to be ruthless, even if it is not in your nature. If the the first message doesn't grab you/gives you a small ulcer in your stomach, DELETE IT. DO NOT RESPOND TO THE MONSTER.
2) Block people who don't get the hint. ie If they have tried to message you on 3 separate occasions, you have not responded, and they continue to message you, block them! 
3) Exchange at least 3 messages prior to initiating a first date.
4) Don't give your phone number/work place/school/address/last name to the pursuer until you have met and determined he/she will handle identifying information safely
5) Use the first date as a screening tool. Arrange it in a public place that can attended in a brief or long term manner (I like coffee shops or bars, as both allow for a quick escape route if needed)
6) Use the second date as the true first date.

If you follow these simple steps, you will surely have decent luck dating online! I can proudly say that I met at least 3 quality men in my quest for love.