Houston, We Have a Problem

Following the development of my online dating protocol, I began to marvel at some of the failed messages I received from cyber courters. Here's my top fifteen list of reasons I will not respond to your first attempt at messaging me:

Top Fifteen Reasons Volleymeg Does NOT Respond to OkCupid Messages:

1. Your profile includes a shirtless photo taken in the mirror of a public restroom   ...What are you doing with your shirt off at McDonalds?!?
2. Your cyber name is “Neck Romancer” or “The Choke Artist”...These people exist in reality.
3. I didn’t respond to your first email ...It’s kinda like playing roullette: If you didn’t get lucky the first time, you shouldn’t keep playing.
4. You simply ‘wink’ at me ...Winking is the sign of a child molester in real life, why would you think this was acceptable in the cyber world?
5. Under “Top 6 things you can’t live without,” you list your mother ...Now, I know some women might find this endearing. These girls will grow up to be cat ladies.
6. You ask if I read Calvin & Hobbes ...In fact, I do. I also watch Sunday morning cartoons and sleep with a pacifier.
7. You openly state that you are scared of Oakland ...I will openly state that I am scared of ignorant white people.
8. You refer to me as ‘baby’ or ‘gorgeous’ in the first sentence of your message ...Baby,’ really? My last husband didn’t even call me that.
9. Your ‘self summary’ exceeds 1,000 characters ...The DSM TR 4 cites the following criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions); Requires excessive admiration.
10. Your opening sentence mentions your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/ husband  ...If I wanted a part of this, I would have joined a Swingers club or converted to Mormonism.
11. Your profile lists that you are interested in “casual sex” ...My profile does not list that I am interested in STDs, does it?
12. You tell me that the last online girl was The One (she just didn’t know it), but you only dated for a month ...Annnnd that’s probably why she’s no longer around….
13. You ask me for my facebook/phone number/home address in your first message ...If I wanted a stalker, I would release the restraining order on my ex.
14. You don't ask my name before asking me to dinner ...There’s this thing called ‘rape,’ you may have heard of it?
15. Your main profile picture includes a large machete ...This wouldn't be charming in a bar, a grocery store, or a speed dating social. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?

I WILL respond to your email if you would like to pay me to conduct the overhaul of your profile so that women or men might actually start responding to you.