Stupid Cupid: A Guide to Online Dating

So I recently became single for the first time in 5 years, and in one of those fuck-you-I’m-gonna-cut-off-all-my-hair-now moves, I decided to relocate to the East Bay. Since the break up my friends have been campaigning for me to try online dating, claiming that it isn’t just for cat ladies and serial killers. So, being an open-minded person, I (apprehensively) decided to try it. 

Here's what I learned: there are some fucking weirdos out there. However, among the sea of weirdos are a few precious gems- you just have to know how to locate them. It took me a while to learn to navigate the choppy waters of OkCupid, but over time I have become pleased with the accuracy of the protocol I developed (see below).

Having a Sociology background made the experience all the more fascinating. Dating online challenges the social norms that come with meeting someone in an authentic way; suddenly, one has to learn to "feel someone out" over the internet. How odd is that? Some initial questions I had were: How many messages should one exchange with a cyber stranger before initiating the first date? At what point does one give her number to an online pursuer? What if the date goes really, really poorly? How do I avoid stalkers?

I developed a protocol to answer my questions. By now I've had time to test it and can happily say it seems to eliminate at least the bulk of serial killers from the gene pool. So for those of you just starting out, here is my gift to you:

Volleymeg's Online Dating Protocol:

1) Learn to be ruthless, even if it is not in your nature. If the the first message doesn't grab you/gives you a small ulcer in your stomach, DELETE IT. DO NOT RESPOND TO THE MONSTER.
2) Block people who don't get the hint. ie If they have tried to message you on 3 separate occasions, you have not responded, and they continue to message you, block them! 
3) Exchange at least 3 messages prior to initiating a first date.
4) Don't give your phone number/work place/school/address/last name to the pursuer until you have met and determined he/she will handle identifying information safely
5) Use the first date as a screening tool. Arrange it in a public place that can attended in a brief or long term manner (I like coffee shops or bars, as both allow for a quick escape route if needed)
6) Use the second date as the true first date.

If you follow these simple steps, you will surely have decent luck dating online! I can proudly say that I met at least 3 quality men in my quest for love.